Playwrite Frank Gagliano


(A Run-On Odyssey In Three Parts)

by Frank Gagliano

Part 1: Hanna And The Horny Dwarfs
Part 2: Hanna In Tinsel Town
Part 3: Hanna And Harold

Part 1: Hanna And The Horny Dwarfs

so when hanna left the garage and went out to the pool she found that the pool wasn't there but the water was and a subaru allwheeldrivewagonwithwings and she swam to the wingèd subaru and dripped onto its back and the wingedthing took off and she decided to go to the deli to get harrys overstarched shirts but she found no maytags in the deli just a troika of fatmen with hangingout bellies and peperonis and stained aprons so she got frightened and broke wind and burpped her way back to the wingèd thing but the wings wouldnt rev up so hanna clipped her toenails and deoderized her armsockets and put on her rocket backpack and took off for yuba city california because she wanted to go surfing but found that no humans inhabited yuba city only gerbels and emaciated dochshunds and a witch with buckteeth and bottomless cavities who lived in a chemical dump and so hanna somehow knew that it was the buckteeth she had to sing into because hanna hoped to be a popular pop singer because she was spectacular at singing offkey all the time and was proud of being the only person in the neighborhood who could keep her own groundbass going by slapping together her buttocks so she therefore in the form of a sung tacky tune asked for ten offkey buttockslapwishes into the bottomlessbuckteethcavities and the wishes echoed in a redundant reverb to one be super rich and two to be gorgeous and to three smell like freshcut grass without the dogdo and four to have sevenfoot footballplayer brothers who would strongarm dates for her even though hanna was having a relationship with harry the head waiter at arbys fastjunkfooderieboutique because he made the best croissant pasta sandwiches which she got free and so she didn't mind sharing the same jcpenney bedroll with him and to five have shiney satin black as insideanostril hair that reached down to her Achilles tendon so that she could wash her ankles and to six have a superradiant smile that would only see pleasant things in quick strokes and to seven be given a cat named max who would sit on her lap whenever hanna sat on the toilet and eight to inherit a best friend named carla who would always love hanna even when hanna kicked her or punched her elbows but before hanna could get her next wish out the huge witch mouth clamped shut and our hanna fell down the slide of the inside of the cavity and it was as blueblack as a hickey and deep as a decrescendooooooo and hanna landed in a soft bed of bellybuttonlint that turned out to be a trampolene that bounced her high and set her down on her head but she didn't fall over just stayed balanced that way on her head so that everything was bottomsideup andtopsideunder and gave her a terrible toothache in her neck and buttache in her eyelids which she looked through and saw an armadillo with the face of legendarynumerounojedgargman with diamond rings all over his crimson lacquered claws and green emeralds on his garter belt and gold dust on his black satin panties and a saddle made of merrimako orange blobs and hanna knew enough to headbounce up onto the saddle and the numerounojedgargman waddled off along an orangebrickroad doing a timestep and enjoying scoundrel thoughts and bounced hanna on her saddlehead with so much blood running down to it that hanna saw everything as red then suddenly allyellow and she wondered if her peepee had backed up or rather down to her skullsideunder until the numerounojedgargman leaped onto an armadillo trampolene made with steel rubber and bounced upupupupup and dislodged hanna's head which jetpropelled out to space where two of the nebula kids were playing starball and one of them batted stars into the other's mitt and the other caught hanna's head as it zipped over homeplate and said what a funny star a strange star because of the lack of twinkle so hanna tripletimed her eyelids and the other felt better and pitched hanna's head to the other to bat out into the universe but the other missed and hanna's head spun through galaxies and got caught in a bonsai tree on the planet spunkhaven and the little stump at the base of her neck elongated because of spunkhaven's gravitypull and hanna was whole again but too heavy for the bonsai tree and smashed through the tiny branches and landed smack in the camp of the horny hornydwarfs who were hot for elbows and salivated at hanna's which it must be said were the envy of all the girls back at snodgrass high so hanna had to think fast and she bit her elbows and made them bleed but all the dwarfs fell to their tiny hornyknees because they knew that the promised queen had arrived because of the bleeding elbows that they had been waiting for two thousand years so they plied hanna with their greatest riches like malteds made with icecreamstones and a hut with splendid crabgrass on the parched porch and a car with no wheels and dented hubcaps and a barn with a cutout cow that gave cardboard when you milked it and a bathtub with no electricity or ice cubes and it was queen hanna's job to find a hornydwarf to be her prince consort and share her queen's bed although she wasn't provided with a bed so that when cavorting time came she and her cavorting consort would need to cavort on the bare splinter hutboards of the hut and so in preparation hanna's rumproasts were steelplated for cavorting insurance and all was ready for the contest of the hornydwarf riddles that each hornydwarf suitor had to answer to win the bloody elbows of the new queen and on the day of the riddle tourney hanna tried to bug out of there but the bugs stopped her because the bugs were fed well by the hornydwarfs and were their pets in fact so hanna faced the inevitable and had but one chance and that was to make up riddles that no hornydwarf could answer for the one good thing was that queen hanna had to make up the riddles and when the first hornydwarf called sir kleinemeeskite fell to his horney knees and reached over to grope the queen's anklebone hanna stepped on his hand which only made sir kleinemeeskite hornier and she asked him what had the face of a volvo radiator grill and the vulva of a trombone and sir kleinemeeskite immediately answered an Italian wok and everyone cheered as if that was the answer and she knew that that was not the answer because there wasn't any answer so she realized that the tango was up and that whatever furshlugginer riddle she nonsensed there would be an answer and everyone would cheer and her cavorting days on her steelbutts would commence with those short jobs and so she did the only thing she could do and started to sing and that drove them crazy and they pelted her with rotten ribbons and things and groveled on the ground and spit and broke wind and carried on and even let the bugs let her go as long as she stopped singing so she did and bolted from there and about 15 miles into the forest just as she was about to drop she tripped over her old friend the jet backpack and she was saved until she realized that the fuel gauge read empty which meant that there wasn't any fuel in the fuel gauge so she sat down and laughed and beat her head on the ground and wailed why me and was so frustrated that she flung the jet backpack over the side into the abyss and when it hit bottom there was a flash of light and from that light a porkandbeanstalk sprouted with a genie named jeanie rising with it and his name was really geney with a g and geney was in drag and said that the only wish sheslashhe could grant was for a girl to become an amazon and hanna figured what the hell and agreed and whoosh she was twenty five feet tall and nearly strangled because her panty hose naturally shrunk and so she ripped off her shrunken clothes and bounded through the land taking incredible steps and her flapping bunsloops and milkshakes caused earthquakes and tidal waves wherever she stepped and when she got thirsty she drank a lake and when she got hungry she ate a corn and sorghum field and chomped apples off the trees and cooked twelve cows ten pigs and five hundred chickens on a giant sequoia spit over a forest fire and when it was time to eliminate it was apocalypse now until she saw in the distance a land of milk and honey which she got stuck in and found that she was surrounded by giant naked men with smooth crotches thankgod but then how did they tinkle and procreate and they were very sad because they had nothing to get jock itch about and so they promised to demilkandhoney stuckhanna if she promised to find their diddledangledippers which had been removed from them last valentine's day when all the greeting cards had been poisoned and all the men in the land stayed in a coma for two weeks and revived and found no women and not a diddledangledipper in sight so Hanna promised because she was uncomfortable with all those diddledangledipperless men talking not to her face but to her naval and below and hanna beat it to the hills just as soon as she was destuck and realized she needed clothes and saw a hundred ostriches leaping on toe and leaped apace and caught up with ten of them and defeathered them on the leap and covered her nakedness with the feathers and fandangoed her way along the rough terrain until she heard a lot of gargling and in the clearing saw a campsite with hundreds of naked giant women each tied to a tree and hanging from the branches were sacks of stolen diddledangledippers and figured if it worked once it could work again so she started to sing and the giant women's captors who were very hairy giant wagnerian ladies began to froth at the mouth and beg for mercy and broke wind and sneezed a lot and said they wanted ransom but didn't know how to write so they couldn't make their demands which were for the milkandhoney wells so that they could corner the milkandhoney market so hanna stopped singing and felt sorry for such hairy wagnerians and wrote the ransom note for them and when the giant naked men with smooth crotches agreed the women and the diddledangledippers were returned and when the men snapcrotched them back on hanna took off because she feared that when those men after so much dipperless time dapped their dippers the groundtremors would be a ten on the reuters sundial and so hanna was alone and sad and sat down and cried and felt sorry for herself because she figured what kind of a strange life was this with no croissant pasta sandwiches andor harry and their jcpenney bedroll and hanna wondered where it would all end

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